Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
