A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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