APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
