I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize