i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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