Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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