if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
