Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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