the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
