I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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