How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
