I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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