I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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