Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
