Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
