The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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