we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
