you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
