So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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