apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
