but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you traded sex for a burrito?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
