Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
