I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize