I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
cat food counts as protein by the way
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
