glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
