So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
