you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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