apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
high people should be assigned attendants
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
