I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
