The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize