I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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