Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
