you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
