I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
