if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
