Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
