I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
