I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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