god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize