I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize