I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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