i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
