I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
