dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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