Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
