I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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