I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
