I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
