I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
