Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
