They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
