then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
