Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
