Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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