My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
