Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize